Have you ever been in love? I think that's a 'Yes' for most.  Have you ever been in love with someone, really wanting it to work but knowing in your heart it just wasn't the right time?  Ditto, right?  Well, what was so different about this trip back to Scotland was this: I was leaving someone behind.  Someone I cared very deeply for but unable to provide what he was wanting and most of all, deserving: time, commitment.  What was I thinking getting involved with someone right before going on my trip? That's the thing, I wasn't really thinking...not with my head, but with my heart and I don't regret the experience. How can one ever regret feeling love? So, I wrote this in the hopes of alleviating the heartache. It was difficult to convey to others (especially him) about what I was feeling and why. I tried. I really did...but I don't know if it makes sense so I post this here...perhaps...for all those who have felt even an inkling of what I'm describing in this piece....and for those that think love isn't a battlefield but more like a boomerang...returning to you, returning home... Dearest Cxxxxx, We all have stories to tell.  Some keep them close, hidden in secret places that only the gatekeepers with keys and the correct password have access to.  Some etch them on their skin, intricate details symbolizing life changing events, forever capturing particular parts of their lives with no need of repeating the details unless on special occasions when requested… Stories became a way to express my feelings and thoughts, especially to those whom I had not expressed them to.  Many ex-boyfriends and former lovers had cameos or even the lead part in some of my stories.  I would weave various factual events with a fictional tale and the end result would be a therapeutic finished product that was intended to be some kind of closure to the relationship ending. I realized that it was a cathartic avenue for me, but limiting and one-sided.  What did I fear most in a face-to-face interlude? Rejection? Pain? Indifference? Judgement?  The slap of unrequited love? In some ways, this process allowed me to be more clear about my feelings and on a mental and creative level, it stimulated me.  But, on a person-to-person perspective it was not realistic so technically I was still running away and not truly confronting the situation. Almost all recipients of my colored past have felt the throes of a passionate embrace, a night (or nights) of intense love then instantaneously followed by wrath, disappointment and the infamous Guillotine. It became a pattern and my Slate for relationships resembled a waffle with a tower full of toppings, the connection inevitably getting severed or devoured by an insatiable appetite.  This metaphor is visually similar to a building with the foundation being faulty.  The only difference is that one is edible and topped with whipped cream and a cherry. Needless to say, what happened between us was not surprising.  Each of my relationships have progressively become shorter so perhaps I'm learning (hopefully) but that does not necessarily mean it's easier for me to deal with.  Quite the opposite.  I've relinquished my armor slowly throughout the years when before, defenses were impenetrable.  Often to some, I appeared unscathed and unaffected.  That was far from true.  My pain I hid well.  I yearned for a time when my feelings could be expressed outright, without fear of ridicule, judgement and most of all, indifference.  The desire to be fully seen and heard…without the armor and defenses that were worn as a preventative from experiencing heartache.  The things was, I secretly still wanted to remain hidden. The trick was, to accomplish this, one must be fully Present within.  One's Self must be awake and willing.  No hiding.  No armor.  Open.  Vulnerable…and… yes, Free. For many years, I thought the answer was external.  My fingers pointed at all those poor boys who invariably felt the snap of my Guillotine. And where do you fit in, dear C?  This time was different.  I couldn't stay mad.  I was about to use the Guillotine, severing all ties with you, but wasn't able to go through with it.  I wasn't ready to let go. It was hard, truth be told, when you didn't want to work things out.  I don't blame you.  I was just selfish in thinking you would want to spend as much time with me before I left.  'Carpe Diem!', is what I say.  Seize The Day!  What I didn't take into account was the after effects for the ones left behind.  And your boys,  how would it impact them?  You know, believe it or not, this time was especially hard for me because not only did I fall in love with you, I fell for the boys as well, so when it came time to leave…it was thrice more difficult to have to endure… …and it seemed so easy for you to transition from lover to friend.  Too many questions came forth, too much time analyzing and I did what I thought was best: staying away with little to no contact. It gave me time to go inward, to reflect and that's when I finally came to the realization (and conclusion) that what had transpired between us, with its short entirety from beginning to end, was exactly what needed to happen.  I know I had relayed that before…but I think it finally sunk in… Yet, I was still feeling the need for closure.  That Circle created between us was left open and I did a few things, attempting to sever our connection, to no avail.  So, now…instead of severing it like I did before I just allowed myself to remain open to it, acknowledging its presence and wondering if it had something to teach me.   It did. You may never know how powerful of an impact you've had…from your kind, sweet, generous and silly nature…to the fierce temper and frustration I sensed that led up to my departure, I felt, was something to be respected.  That last night, when I was tired, hungry and acting like a petulant child…even though you were tired as well, you still had a kind word for me and the energy to make me a salad…something that I now am very grateful for and was sorry to not fully appreciate at the time. C, you have a quiet strength, the ability to be masculine, sensitive and intuitive at the same time and are uncommonly kind.  You are a wonderful father and the times I spent with you and your sons, albeit short, I shall treasure always. I hold a special place in my heart for you and your boys.  Thank you for the time we shared.   I hope to have more in the future.  It can be like another story, just about ready to be told…the audience willing and waiting patiently but with unbridled anticipation. May you and your loved ones be blessed with happiness and an abundance of Love, always. With infinite gratitude, Athena Subscribe in a reader

I've been working with this woman named Gwendolyn who is helping me to clean my slate and empower me to be a more powerful being. So, my latest journal entry reflects a little of the process that I'm going through and felt compelled to share this here: Journal entry dated April 15, 2012 To realize you've been unhappy for a long time can be daunting.  Sad.  But, enriching. Why? Because now you can do something about it. I haven't been happy for quite some time.  I just realized that not too long ago.  I think I was in denial.  The highs and lows of Life I would not allow to conquer me but in that regard, I built an invisible prison based on rules, old patterns and precepts preventing any growth or happiness.  This happiness, this joy eluded me and I began to search for it in obvious and unlikely places.  What kept me buoyed up was that 'survivor instinct' skill honed and whittled to a fine point where the transmutation of energy can be processed and changed from even the darkest sources.  However, there is a negative consequence when drawing forth from this particular source.  One becomes so acclimatized to it, you begin to seek it out.  Subconsciously at first and then very blatantly.   I would know... I was privy to this... Too many times to count. And now, with some much needed and welcome help, the source of my unhappiness and consternation has been illuminated a bit and my search for inner and outer joy commences.   The Source?  From within...but a few things must be removed so that I may have a clean slate to jump off of...diving into the Unknown with Pure Bliss and Absolute Freedom. <3Subscribe in a reader

The Garden needs to be showered with: Gratitude Acceptance Compassion Unconditional Love at all times... Remove debris, obstacles or anything that does not serve the Highest Good For All. Tend to Your Garden, Dear Ones. Let the experiences of Life Enrich Nurture And Feed The Seeds of Your Garden So you can nourish Your BEing... And continue to Grow In the Cosmos of The Divine... ♥Subscribe in a reader

Letter To C: There is much to say. Words that I won't speak aloud to you. Words only to be written here, to exist only for you to never read them nor hear them.  Your presence came at an unexpected, opportune time. I don't think neither one of us anticipated such a union. One that was a short-lived roller coaster ride that ended with an appetite unsatiated.  I wish I could tell you All of my story. Sometimes, I think, some would have a better understanding of why I do what I do...why I am the way I am...but then it comes off like excuse after excuse and it's like those sequels no one really wants to see but do anyway and regret spending their money...wishing they could have those hours back.  Yet, I digress...knowing full well there IS a purpose for this letter. I wish to tell you this: I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.                                   I love you.  It's a Hawaiian prayer called Ho'oponopono. Maybe we can pretend that I've just whispered it in your ear, kissed your lips softly and looked deeply into your eyes with complete love, total acceptance and heartfelt gratitude.  On second thought...    Let's not pretend.  With infinite gratitude and love,                Athena Subscribe in a reader

I watched an elderly woman attached to an oxygen tank, light up a Capri slim cigarette. The whiteness juxtaposed against her wrinkled skin caught my eye. It dangled between her fingers and I was transfixed. I watched as she coughed and hacked walking with great effort to a car parked next to me, the green tank trailing behind her like a faithful pet.  The scene led me to contemplate choices. Every day, every minute...every second... we make choices. To live a healthy life. To love. To be free from fear. Or continue with choices that prevent us from reaching the Fullness of our Life. Unbeknownst to her, this woman reminded me of the valuable lesson of Choice. That our very actions cause a ripple effect stating very succinctly what desires and changes we want to manifest....what reality we envision..what world we want to live in...Subscribe in a reader

The other night  as I was  driving to a  friend's house,  I noticed  a young woman  standing  alone  on the sidewalk  blowing... bubbles.  It took me  a few seconds  to register  and  when it did,  I sighed... Smiled and tried to  recall  the last time  I did  a spontaneous act  such as  creating  fairy  magic  circles  out of  soapy water...  What I realised?  It has been far too long... So,  here's to  reminders of  spontaneity,  simple pleasures  and  blowing  beautiful  bubbles...  like wishes...  into the wind... Subscribe in a reader

And So, He Sleeps He sleeps on a cushioned circle. Surrounded by crystals, sage, dragons and fairies who giggle unbeknownst to him. He is protected by the sleeping Priestess in the other room. And so, this Warrior...this poetic Soldier...finally felt safe to fall into the arms of Dream... And in This Dream, it felt as though he were still awake. So real it was. With the exception of Time. It was...almost non-existent. Barefoot he was. Dirt and moss and grass felt beneath his feet. And trees standing tall. Some like sentinels. Others as high as buildings. Countless. And cathedral-like. Standing close, with your ear on the bark...you can hear a soft humming. And yes, the trees do sing... He smiles. Slowly. Widely and wonders what else is Here to discover.  His footsteps echo with the soft shuffling on the invisible path. Yet, there lies no panic nor fear. This place, this In-Between Wood filled with unspoken magic one can only sense in a Dream...greets you with Trust and Awe.  "Follow the beats of your Heart and The Path will unfold." The voice surprised him and he turned around to see its source but there was no one but He.  Then, he heard something. A faint sound. Like laughter in honey and gold. Followed by a soft murmuring of water being poured endlessly. He closed his eyes and did as instructed, listening to the beats of his heart....the cadence flowing to the soles of his feet and walking became a dance.  Toes felt the water first and he opened his eyes once more. There upon was a vast sea with puffy white clouds. And, a door. Unattached and closed.  "It is Here, You decide The Fate of Your World." He looked up. In The Trees. On The Ground. No One. Nothing. He sighed.  "Step forth and through. Step unto Me." The door creaked open and the water, where once was dark as night became bright like a full moon and He stepped into the Light.  First, there was nothing. No colors. Just silence. Then, images formed. It was The World being made. Small like a Star growing bigger, becoming Full. Seeds planted and sprouting. Trees growing towards The Heavens. Animals coupling, wandering, eating. Then, The First People. Arriving full of Song and revelry. Dancing In The Sky. Dancing In The Trees. Dancing In-Between. Next, Man appears. Intermingling with the trees, the animals, everything. At first, it looked as though ALL could exist harmoniously but something changed. Man forgot to Dance. Man wanted More.... So, skyscrapers were built on top of trees. Animals were no longer revered but slaughtered and eaten. And The First People were forgotten, became part of Myth and were forced to exist only in Dreams.  He witnessed all this with tears streaming down his face, his heart broken and shattered, his head burrowing deep into his hands...but, He remembered.  When he opened his eyes, the sunlight peeked through the window with a blue sky high above.  The Priestess came in with a tray and a smile. She set it on the floor next to him and asked, "How did you sleep?" He smiled and replied, "Had the most incredible dream but before I share it with you, I must ask you this important question:            Would you like to Dance?" The Priestess stood quietly, saying nothing.  She just held out her hand.... And smiled.  And so,        They Danced...Subscribe in a reader

I've decided, once again, to cut out *John out of my life. Maybe it'll be a few years, maybe it'll be a few months. I honestly don't know. It's not like we spoke on a regular basis so it's good to get my focus back on track, letting go of situations, behaviors, people that aren't on the same level in reciprocation, mindfulness and proper communication exchange.  I know for some, the act of doing this feels cumbersome but I think it's a form of clearing out.  It is a form of mental and spiritual cleansing to finally let go, remove or eradicate relationships, ties or connections that are not serving one's highest good.  My chatter revolving around *John was very painful, self-destructive, exhausting and I'm not sure that I was just blinded by 'love' and I was just unable to see this or maybe the masks are being unveiled and I'm finally seeing it ALL. The good AND the bad.  Making amends has been a part of the healing component in receiving closure. My mistake from the far and near distant past was the notion that I needed to speak to the person that has been the source of conflict. Sometimes, it helps and in this previous case, it helped some but I still contemplate on whether it was necessary. Speaking with him openly and hearing what he had to say allowed me to truly see the reality of the situation. It was all an illusion based on some fantastic, romantic notion of a display of mutual respect and love. I repeat. It was ALL an illusion. It was a story I wrote, re-wrote, played out and looped continually in my head. In fact, I think this is another example of the repeat patterns of intimate relations that I'm now in the process of breaking.  If I take a logical stance, reflect on the data, compare actions to words shared.  Expectations not met. Needs not met. And there I was, AGAIN, believing in the illusion of potential, getting aggravated with myself for not seeing it for what it was and breathing a sigh of relief and allowing the veils to be lifted so that I can see what's behind the curtain.  Dorothy, sweetie, eat your fuckin' heart out.  And, I know, I keep saying this but IT'S SO TRUE. I can place blame, point the finger and shout my obscenities or I can choose to see it as allegorical, metaphorical and like a multi-faceted crystal catching the sunlight or small jagged pieces of mirror from a huge disco ball and LAUGH. Because it's all part of the growth and wisdom to be able to see the different parts of ourselves reflected in those lover's eyes, the fights or arguments, the time spent reflecting and excavating. The inquiries and reminders of how to be a better person by making amends, basking in forgiveness and indulging in the surrender of Love and Acceptance. These yet to be earthed gems of wisdom lurking in the shadow corners of your mind and heart are just waiting for a pair of unclouded eyes to truly SEE what it is we are all meant to do... Holy fuckin' shit.  And when you look at it like that...all those situations from the glorious, cosmic, life-changing events to the crawl-on-the-floor-with-a-dirt-smeared-tear-stained-heart-heavy-face-where-you-question-whether-life-is-worth-living-experience...you realize, after the wallowing or the impermanence...it's a Gift...they're all gifts to strengthen, widen, open, engage, encompass, release, heal, teach, inspire, transcend us ALL TO LIVE without fear, without judgement, without anger or ridicule and The Key is to not suppress, undermine or ignore these feelings (for those mentioned above) nor is it wise to dwell and fester. Honor them. Embrace them. Do not resist them. Have faith and trust that it won't be forever that they'll stay, unless you want them to.  I have found that in Nature lies the answer to all questions. From listening to the sounds of water flowing through rocks and dirt, to the sun peeking in from the tops of the trees, to bright green moss covering a wall of Stone People...if we take the time to listen, to sit in stillness and be One with Nature..all will be revealed, all questions will be heard, all doubts, judgements, fear...silenced.  And Truth will come forth in its beautiful glory. Little reminders will be whispered: All is divinely guided. You are loved. All will be taken care of. All will be provided. Have Faith. Have Trust. Choose! Surrender. Meditate. Visualize.  That is a brief summation on what came forth a few days ago after much contemplation. This clarity I share with you hoping it will help you on your own journey towards transcenDANCE..... *name has been changed Subscribe in a reader

This is an excerpt from a message exchange between myself and my friend, Elliott. There has been much to say in regards to our lives and some good sharings. This is one of them: The sexual act is not something that I take very lightly. Sex (or making love as some have described) is an expression for two people to communicate where words cannot convey. Their bodies become the vessels for the highest and/or deepest connection towards love and consciousness. It can be a way for two people to deepen their bond or to be a mere way to release sexual energy. As long as there is clear intention and there's consent, it can be conducted with respect, honor, love and openness. It has been a rare thing for me to experience. But, the blame does not lie solely on my previous lovers. I did not allow myself to see and be open to this wisdom. Now I have been made aware. I share this with you so you may have a better understanding not only from me but from one of many perspectives that hopefully shed some light. In this new paradigm and portal we are now entering, I vow to do my best in not only honoring the Sacred Feminine but the Sacred Masculine as well. This is in regards to not only those energies that reside within me, but with the exterior manifestations that reside in ALL. Blessings, A Subscribe in a reader